What I can eat

I went to the doctor the other day because of some "issues" that showed up at my annual physical.  He asked if I had lost weight, or if my appetite was different.

"I said, well, yes, I've lost weight.  And my appetite is not as large as it used to be.  But..."

and I stopped.

"This is very important... " I really truly said.

"Unless I am about to die, if this is caused by illness, I do not want you to cure me until I lose another 20 or 30 lbs."

This is the thing:  I don't really feel sick except for some pesky heart burn.  I can't eat a whole lot at a time without becoming uncomfortable, but is that terrible?  I mean, I am 5'4".  I don't need a whole lot of calories.

And not being hungry makes it easier for me to choose better food.  I'm not starving.  I don't have to settle for the saltine crackers in the back of the cabinet.  I can take the time to think about what I want... to eat intuitively and not impulsively.

Since I don't recommend the "get sick and die" diet (I am not dying any more than usual, so don't freak out on me), how does this translate to real life eating?

I think it depends on you and your personality style.  One option is to plan meals in advance and have the food ready to be prepared and eaten.  Although you can't plan for what your body will really need, you do know that a nice mix of colors is good.  If you notice you are liking a lot of orange, plan for extra orange. 

I can't do that, though.  My mind revolts against pre-planning and order.  It's painful, since there is another part of my mind that would like to take a 2012 calendar and spend January 1st writing EVERYTHING that is going to happen all year long.  I'm still working on that... BUT...

My best option is to have a choice of healthy snacks that I really like, not the ones I'm supposed to like.  I am able to go by the grocery store on the way to work and buy fruit and veggies and something for lunch.  If I don't, I have peanut granola bars that will keep me from sucking down the saltines in the back of the cabinet.  And because I get full really fast, I make sure to pick protein & a variety of colors first.  I don't need the fillers as much right now, so I stay on the low end of number of servings of whole grain stuff.

This really sounds great when I write it out.  Isn't that cool?

Intuition or Indulgence?

Have you noticed that diets are about what you can't eat?  I hate to hear people say, "if it tastes good it must be bad for you."  And I feel sad when I see people who spend their entire life on a diet, in a constant battle with themselves, their desires, and their bodies.  Is that a way to live?

As we've said, Eating the Angel Way is about eating intuitively:  good food your body wants and needs.  But if you look up "intuitive eating" on the web, you'll see a lot of arguments against it.  The thought is that if we eat intuitively, we'll eat Snickers sandwiches and butter-cheese balls all day and all night.  Then we'll die.

As I see it, the problem here is semantics.  "Intuitive" does not mean "indulgent" or "urgent."  Eating intuitively doesn't mean eating whatever we feel the urge to eat.  Intuitive is eating what our bodies are really really telling us we want and need.  Intuition is a quiet internal voice. 

Indulgences or urges are most likely loud external voices.  The commercial on TV with piles and piles of pancakes covered in whipped cream and syrup in flavors like pumpkin and eggnog and extra chocolate chocolate pie.  The clock that says NOON which we know means lunch time.  The extra long barbecue buffet bar where we have to eat enough to make it worth the money.  The person who looks like our mother yelling at us, which makes us reach for the Chunky Monkey and pound bag of peanut m&ms.

And so, if I have the urge for a rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity pancake platter, I need to listen to my intuition.  I need to shut off the television, shut out the mother-like person yelling at me, turn away from the clock.  I need to ask, what do I really want?

Love?  A hug?  Something festive?  Something sweet?

And when I am getting hungry, I can think about what I want to eat.  I picture myself eating the pumpkin whipped cream pancake and bacon.  I think about the taste (hmmm, not what I'd hoped); I think about how I feel afterward (ooohhh... Alka Seltzer.  And Dawn to rinse the grease...).  I think, a spinach and strawberry salad with raspberry vinaigrette would be really good.  And a carrot cake cupcake with cream cheese icing.   And of course, I might think, yeah, I want the pumpkin whipped cream pancake.

I told you everything that's good isn't bad for you.

When did that happen?

I have said many times that I don't DIET.  It's a bad word that is chocked full of calories, at least in my case.  I hear the word and gain weight. 


It's not about weight, I say, stepping off the scale.  It's about health.  And mine is OK... really.  All right, I'm tired, my blood pressure is high, I can't walk a mile in any one's shoes, ... did I mention that I'm tired?  But at least I've got my health... sort of.


And so, we ask, how, after the stresses of holidays followed rapidly by tax season followed by trying to catch up on my life after tax season, do I find myself here:  I've lost two & a half clothing sizes in the last year.  Three and half in the last three years.  AND I EAT ALL THE TIME.


OK, the first possibility is that I was not wearing the right size.  In my mind, I am always the same size.  Y'know what I mean?  That is usually FAT.  So I buy the same size clothes until they (almost literally) fall off my body.


This is me in 2007, at the baby shower for my first grandson:

I was either a size 18 or 20.  I have a picture from when Gabe was about 18-months (2009) in which I look more like the Michelin man (as my poor husband said in an unguarded moment, bless his heart).


Last year, I started wearing size 16, which was so cool for me I almost cried in the dressing room.  As anyone who's been there knows, 16 is in the normal ladies department; 18 is in the fat ladies department.  Sixteen is in Coldwater Creek.  Sixteen is sweet!


And this year, I noticed the 16s were a little loose.  OK, I have a flat butt.  It's genetic.  Flat is kind.  It's more like non-existent.  Except, in my case, flat and wide.  But recently, not so wide.


Then one day during tax season, I was wearing my favorite black size 18 jeans.  And they kept sliding down.  Far.  And my cotton granny pants were not meant to peak over the back of my jeans.  Ever.


And so, I drove to Walmart, tried on a pair of size 14 jeans (with a little stretch), and THEY FIT.  I didn't even have to lie down on the floor of the changing room to zip them!  To make it even better, if I buy the Petite size, I wear 12.


I am so excited I think I'll blog about it.  Oh wait, I did.


So now you are thinking, What?  I lost 10 pounds in two weeks.  Gained 20 back the next week, but that's how it works.  Three years, Kathy, you say.  Three years.


And I say, "Yeah!  And I didn't diet.  And although I joined a gym, I didn't go."  (I'm not advocating that --- I really am going to start going next week.  Really.)


So what happened?  Pills?  Surgery?  Bulimia?


NO!!!!   I started Eating the Angel Way!!!! 


I'll go into more excruciating detail tomorrow.... cause it's too good not to share.

Eating the Angel Way in times of stress

Let's be real.  When I am tired, when I have a pile of papers on my desk that all insist on immediate attention, when I have to talk to human beings more than once or twice a day, I am stressed.  And when I am stressed and hungry, I don't think broiled fish with spinach & horseradish with brown rice.  I think chili cheese dog.  And then I feel yucky and stressed.


And we call that Tax Season.


As Annie, Karen, and other brilliant people have said, when you are stressed, you need a layer of comfort, and you need a little sweetness.  But remember that a layer of comfort is not necessarily a pound of mashed potatoes and a little sweetness is not necessarily a pint of ice cream.  And never mix them --- I learned that the hard way.


One thing I've gotten from Eating the Angel Way on a fairly regular basis is a new perspective.  It's shifted my paradigm!  (I haven't used that word this year, so I just threw it in.)  Now, when I'm stressed and need a layer of comfort and sweetness, I often DO think of Greek yogurt with blueberries.  And I savor it like those chicks on the TV ads who get paid to eat yogurt and look like they are having an orgasm.  And I feel satisfied and NOT YUCKY.  I get the layer of comfort without the layer of grease.  What can I say?


I do keep Hershey's kisses in the office too.  Sometimes I want a little milk chocolate, and since I've quit saying no to my ornery self, I've been able to eat one or two pieces rather than a whole bag.  And believe it or not, there are days I don't eat any at all.


I feel better grounded in Eating the Angel Way right now, and I'm hoping that grounding will help me pick the right comfort and the right sweetness for me.  And if that is occasionally a bowl of mashed potatoes topped with ice cream, then so be it.  But only occasionally.

No really, this time I mean it...

Dear Diary:


This time I really am going to walk and lift weights and do yoga and eat nothing but delicious healthy food and loose 20 lbs before school is out...


Yeah right

Today read Kim's post about weight.  I know she eats well, and much more healthily (is that the word?) than I do.  I know she is more active.   As she says, most people think she is a ball of energy.   And yet, she thinks she needs to do something.... different.

Her post sort of solidified something I've been thinking about me.  I talk a good game, but when it comes to actually eating well... not so much.

It's not that I don't eat vegetables and fruits, low fat dairy and high-fiber foods.  I do.  I don't eat a lot at one time.  I almost always need a to-Joe* box. 

It's just that every once in awhile (every other day or so... OK?) I eat something not so good:  fried fish, a HUGE bowl of Breyers Ice Cream, a bag of crunchy Cheetos. 

And when you consider that I'm 5'4" and as active as a pet rock, I really don't need many calories AT ALL.

As far as activity goes, I don't.  I used to walk to USC (South Carolina) and back every weekday, about 2 miles plus all of the walking around a huge campus.  I used to walk to and stumble from the bars in 5-pts, easily working off the beer I drank.  Yesterday I opted out of walking less than a mile to a picnic where Bob was singing.  He would have given me a ride home, too.  It's not even hot yet... only in the high 80s.  And then I wonder why I'm fat.

AND HERE WE HAVE IT: the plan.

Dear Diary:

Starting today tomorrow next Monday today (which is Saturday), I am going to pack really good food into my measly 1800 calorie requirement.  I 'm going to walk, dance, garden, DO SOMETHING fun and active EVERY DAMN DAY even if it kills me.

But, of course, that isn't really a plan, it is a goal, and that has been my problem. 

I have given lip service to Eating the Angel Way, but in fact, I haven't made any real effort to change my bad habits. 

OK, Kath, here's the deal.  Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's easy.  Intuition takes hard work, especially in the beginning. 

I need to figure out what works for me.  Since I'm INTP, I tend to think too much, but maybe I can make that work.  Recognize that I need a chart, a graph, a visual organizer.

That's cool, but don't spend so much time thinking and making pretty charts that you forget to eat and walk, K?

OK.  I'll let you know what I figure out.

A lesson from a stray cat

I once had a cat named Chigger who my mother had rescued from the Rottweiler next door. Chigger was a ginger tabby with a sweet disposition. You wouldn't know he'd been on his own. Unless you left a plastic bag of something on the table.

Chigger would chew through plastic anything and at least try what was inside. It took me a few days to realize that I couldn't leave bread on the counter unless I wanted several cat sized bites take out of various parts of the loaf. He always made several tries at it, as if he thought a different portion would taste better.

On day I received a silk sweater in the mail... I'd ordered it for my aunt for Christmas. I laid it on the table, still wrapped in the plastic in which it had been shipped. I came home from work and... yes.. Chigger had eaten it. Not all of it, just three or four holes to see if maybe the sleeve tasted better than the cowl.

Now, what lesson did I learn, other than "Put away your stuff?"

I learned what happens when a creature is denied food even for a little while as a young kitten. Chigger had learned that food comes in plastic, mostly garbage bags. And even though he had a bowl of cat food that was always full, he still went after anything in plastic. As god as his witness, he would never go hungry again. (He would eat turnips, though.)

I have been thinking about Chigger recently, in different contexts, in different ways. When I read today's post on Eating the Angel Way, I thought about him again and it sort of came together.

Annie writes:

it took me a few tries to stop wanting to eat a plateful of potatoes, but there
came a point when, as i was putting them on my plate, i actually paused and
remembered how stuffed i started to feel after eating about half of my usual
portion size. and then a minor miracle happened - for me anyway - i CHOSE of my
own volition to put a reasonably-sized "serving size" portion - on my plate of a
food that previously the only way i could control myself with it was to deny
myself. the Angels had helped me to learn what my body felt like when IT had
"enough" and i was able to choose THAT feeling over the less-healthy one, not
because anyone told me i had to - but because i liked it. and i was satisfied
with it.. and, what was even more of a miracle - i didn't go back for
seconds.

It occurred to me that when I serve myself a reasonable "serving" with the intent of EATING RIGHT, I don't think of what I have, I think of what I don't have. I think of all of that wonderful food that someone else will eat if I don't get it first. I have never every been starving (except for the colonoscopy preps & a couple of fad diets). I can afford to buy just about anything I want (as long as I continue not to want truffles & caviar). The food will be there when I want it. So what's this about?

I'll think on that awhile.

Monday

At the risk of boring the hell out of everyone, this is what I've eaten today:

7:00 a.m. coffee
8:30 a.m. more coffee
12:30 1/2 a turkey & Swiss on some sort of whole wheat roll with mustard, lettuce, and tomato
carrot chips
diet Coke

I am feeling like death warmed over. It is rainy and actually COLD! outside. I am working on a tax return for a non-profit organization, and thinking how I can't possibly charge them what it's worth, because I'm a sucker.

I took my meds this morning (for low thyroid and high blood pressure) so there isn't a good reason for me to feel like crap, except maybe the pig with the runny nose I French-kissed over the weekend.

Oh well, back to work. I think I have some pineapple in the fridge.

Addendum (4:20 p.m.)

2:30 pineapple, blueberry, blackberry, & strawberry with plain lowfat yogurt
3:30 handful of snack mix (crunchy cheetoes, sun chips, pretzels, doritoes)
diet coke

Time to go home now. I think I'll crawl into bed and read more library books.

A journey of a thousand miles ...

... begins with a single step. Or in my case, 5647 steps. That's what I ended up with last night. I took a few more before and after the pedometer, but that's close enough.

Part of that came from a quick walk around the yard at work. The yard is about an acre. The day was pleasant, the birds were singing, the snakes were still sleeping. I stomped around, aerating the yard with my red high heel boots. It was nice.

Last night we ate sour cream chicken enchiladas from a recipe I found on Cinnamon & Spice and everything nice. It was a big hit and has made it to the "have again" list. This dispels any rumors that I am on a DIET. I only use real sour cream. I do try to eat a moderate amount of the food though, and this was filling. With a nice salad on the side --- I had planned to serve a rainbow three bean + salad (canned yellow wax beans, canned green beans, canned dark red kidney beans, grape tomatoes, chopped canned beets over romaine & radicchio) but didn't. We were in the middle of a RISK game (with a real board and real people) and I forgot about it.

I also made Rainbo Gumbo.

• I started with the Cajun trinity --- chopped celery, chopped green bell peppers, chopped (purple) onion sauteed in olive oil.
• I added red pepper (cayenne), garlic, and chili powder.
• I added chopped chicken and chicken sausage. Andouille is usually used, but I was keeping the meat to chicken and shrimp.
• More pepper-type spice.
• Next, I added chopped tomatoes (I used canned) and okra. To make it a Rainbo, I added shredded carrots and yellow squash.
• Stir, smell, taste and... more pepper spices.
• I needed chicken broth to make the gumbo the right texture --- somewhere between soup and stew. The last thing was the peeled shrimp.

Note: When we put the food up, there was a good bit of broth. My darling husband put it in a glass & drank it. He said that it was like V-8 with spice and chicken broth, and that was what V-8 had been missing. I'm not recommending that necessarily, but....

Shredded carrots are a real go-to food if you are trying to sneak in veggies. They can be added to chili, gumbo, casseroles, salads, even pancakes (although that might be weird). Just mix 'em in. Carrots are a sweet vegetable, so most kids like them if they don't think too hard.

Today's walking goal: let's break 6000! I am sooo close.

Week four, day five

My three weeks of eating the angel way ended last Wednesday, but I'm still doing it. As Annie said, just try to get the rainbow in, if it's a bad day. And I've had a couple of bad days. And I responded by eating a Hardee's omelet biscuit. Amazingly enough, it didn't do it for me. So I ate some cottage cheese & pineapple. That was good.

Confiserie by John Duffy


I have been eating banana chips at work. I have never gone for them, since they are pretty high in calories, made with added sugar (why, I ask) and oil. But now I'm addicted. And as I was eating one the other day, I thought, "This would be really good with mayonnaise." Go figure.

I guess the yellow food makes sense. I am an introvert who is compelled to interact with people five and a half days a week. I need the yellow food to help me cope. I'm doing OK. I will not complain (too much) about the choice I made. I just need a snow day. And some more yellow food.

Yellow food

Yellow is the color of sunshine and daisies. It is warm and healing and happy.

Yellow is the color of cowardice and jaundice. It is bilious and cynical.

Yellow is the center chakra --- the belly-button. It is related to digestion in the body and self-esteem & relationships in groups in the other.

Yellow is about how we fit in, how we fit in our bodies, how we fit with each other. Maybe. I'm not sure I understand that part.

I am an introvert, speaking in a Meyers-Briggs kind of way. I have taken that test many times and while some things change, I am usually an introvert & intuitive perceiver. I don't think that is something I want to adjust. I'm not sure anyone is saying I should change that. What this means is that although I enjoy company, I need to energize with alone time.

In most groups, I am comfortable, one way or the other. Sometimes I am a speaker, sometimes I am a listener. Comfort, of course, is a relative term. There is the "under the comforter with a cat and a good book and a soft fluffy pillow" kind of comfort. There is the "why are these people talking about their hairstyles and their tennis games please pass me a martini" kind of comfort. There are funerals, at which I am comfortable, although I wouldn't want to do it more often. There are weddings... ditto. I am almost always comfortable, even if I'm not happy about it. I don't think "these people don't want me here." I don't think "these people are going to kill me" (except for the time I stumbled into the Young Republican meeting in college, but I brought beer, so it was OK.) I think my comfort comes from oblivion as much as from self-confidence. (Hey, Kath, did you notice you were the only white person in the McDonald's in DC where you asked for directions? No, actually, I didn't. Is that why everyone stared at me? I thought it was my beauty.) But for whatever reason, it

Yellow food: bananas, squash, yellow peppers, lemons, grapefruit, starfruit, onions, pineapple, apples

Are there more yellow vegetables? It seems to be such a sweet color.

Bob made a great meal the other day, leaning toward the yellow and orange colors. It was shrimp, julienned carrots, squash, bok choy and onions, on whole wheat fettuccine with a garlic/white wine/lime sauce. I don't think there was a recipe. We'll have to make one up.

Update: AWE Week 2 day 4

Usually when I don't keep up with the healthy eating blog, it's because I've been pigging out on fast food and ice cream. Not this time. I'm eating well! Really. I've been eating the angel way for about a week and a half now. I think I've managed at least one rainbow each day & I'm enjoying lean protein with each meal.

What makes this exceptional is that I am swamped with work. Since last Wednesday, I have worked over 50 hours in the regular office alone. In addition, I've put in at least 8 hours (probably more) at the church. This is in addition to family, Carolina School for Inquiry board (although I cut the meeting for the first time in two years), friends, and cats. So there has been little or no time to blog about it.

In some ways, "testing" the angel way of eating during tax season is unfair. This is the most stressful time of the year. I have a low grade headache all of the time. I am short-tempered and sensitive. I quit my job on a daily basis. However, it is amazing to me that I feel so much better than I usually do at this time. Better than I usually feel at a less stressful time. I am not hungry, but I am not eating a lot. I am able to drive past a dozen or so fast food restaurants on the way to work with only a little twinge of a voice whining, "But I really NEEEEEED a steak egg & cheese biscuit!!!!" I don't even want any of the fast food lunch offerings. If I forget to bring lunch (or run out of the stock in the office) I eat Wendy's chili and a side salad. But I'd rather have the pretty salad I bring from home, with tuna (admittedly canned) or chicken.

I haven't tried to eat less, but I've lost about ten pounds. It's probably not really ten pounds. It's probably a combination of a perverse scale, water weight, and real weight loss. But I feel better, my skin looks better, and even with the massive amount of stress, I feel better.

Thanks, Annie & the Angels.

Day one: Eating the Angel Way --- Fast breakfast

One of my biggest obstacles to healthy AWE eating is my work schedule & breakfast.

I work at the church from about 6 a.m. to 8 a.m., then I drive to the country, stopping by the post office & maybe a fast food place, to open the office at 9 a.m. Although some fast food places offer "healthier" alternatives, their vegetables are still limited to pickles, lettuce, tomato, and onion. And you can't get most of those at breakfast.

I wake up about 20 minutes before I leave for work. Some days it's less than that. If I could get up earlier & fix breakfast at home, that would be nice. It's not going to happen, but it would be nice.

Alternatively, I could buy a Wildberry banana smoothie from McDonald's & make a rainbow breakfast burrito at work. I have a full-sized refrigerator & a large microwave. (I haven't been able to find nutrition information on the smoothie, so when I can, I'll try to make my own.)

The recipe:
At Home: chop & mix tomatoes, shredded carrots, corn, green peppers, scallions, & purple onions. Put this mixture in a plastic bag or container. (I've also used red, orange, and yellow bell peppers if they aren't too dear.)

At Work: Spray bowl (glass, plastic or paper) with olive oil spray. Add 1 egg & a handful of vegetable mix. Sprinkle on shredded cheese. Place a tortilla (I use whole wheat) over the bowl like a lid. Nuke for a minute, or until the egg is set.

Turn it over onto a plate & roll it up.

Don't leave dirty dishes in the sink. Your momma don't work here.

writers and witches, and words...oh my!: eating the angel way, part seven redux

I mentioned eating the angel way earlier. I also mentioned that I have been giving any and all angels fits this week. It's tax season. My stove broke. I didn't feel like eating anything other than the Hardee's omelet cardiac arrest biscuit with potatoes. Leave me alone! I'm tired!

Which, of course, is the problem. We don't want to eat well when we are stressed and busy and running around like headless poultry (mmmm... a fried chicken sandwich...) Sorry, I'm back. In the short run, grease in the form of butter, grease, processed cheese food, mayonnaise, etc. is very soothing. In the long run, aside from feeling like you need to wash your face every five minutes, you feel cruddy.

I know that I need to eat better to feel better. I know that I like fruit and vegetables, and if they are easy to get to, and haven't dissolved into a pile of slime in the fridge, I want to eat them. I know I like low-fat protein that isn't deep fried (really, it can be done.) It's just that right now...

Which is why, when Annie said she needed guinea pigs volunteers to try out the angel way of eating for three weeks and give her cool quotes for her book, I said, "Hell no" "Hey that sounds like a great idea. Count me in."

Soooooo.... starting Sunday, I will be making my angels happy for three whole weeks. Really.

What I have working against me (see above):

• orneriness
• tax season
• an addiction to Hardee's biscuits even though the commercials suck
• tax season
• sleep deprivation
• the second job at the church
• the school & it's needs (not so much these days, thank God & Victoria)
• tax season

What I have going for me:

• orneriness
• a full kitchen at work (no stove, but a full sized fridge, microwave, & toaster)
• quiet desperation
• the support of friends and family in real life, and I hope, in the blogosphere.

For more information about Eating the Angel Way, to read a cool blog, check out:

writers and witches, and words...oh my!: eating the angel way, part seven redux

And wish me luck.