Comfort Food

I had a dream about a week ago.  One of those everything is a mess and there are a bunch of people I don't know mixed with people I do know but who aren't acting normal dreams.

And in the middle of the dream, I heard a voice that said, "What we need is more comfort food."

At the time, I was thinking about the elections here in the US and about Brexit and about how I'd hidden most of my Facebook friends' comments because I was very very tired of the divisiveness, racism, materialism, misogyny, misanthropy, elitism, and EVERYTHING.  I was thinking about how we don't talk on Facebook, we meme.  And about how many comments (including mine, I confess) begin or end with "you moron."

Then, a black man was shot in Louisiana because he was selling CDs and the police were frightened.  And then, a black man was shot in Minnesota because although he was following procedure and had told police he had a CWP and was showing them ID, the police were frightened and shot him.  In a car with a small child in the back seat.  And then, in an otherwise peaceful protest in Dallas, a lone sniper killed four police officers and a transit officer.

And the response was interesting.  We prayed for peace.  Some only prayed for the two black men and some only prayed for the police officers.  Some said that if you obey the law, you don't get shot, which is disturbing on many levels.

1.  We have the death penalty for very few crimes.  Shoplifting, broken tail lights, even burglary are not generally punishable by death.  White people who commit these crimes don't get killed by police. Dylan Roof, who shot nine church-goers in Charleston, was treated with respect when he was captured, even though he had a gun.

2.  These men did what they were supposed to do. OK, the man in Louisiana got a little rowdy, but the school employee in Minnesota followed the rules.  It is disingenuous to suggest this is their fault.

3.  This is America.  It is not a police state.  Respect for police is a great thing.  Police respect for citizens is a great thing.  The suggestion that one should take abuse from a police officer then file a "civil rights" violation complaint is absurd.  Is that what you do, white person?  Oh no, you won't be in that situation.  But if you are... you will shout "Do you know who I am?" and you will not be shot.

4.  This is not about a few bad police officers.  Look at the reaction of the police officer in Minnesota.  That boy is freaking out.  He is not a bad person.  He was afraid.  He is a part of a culture of distrust and fear. He was not an anomaly.

OK, so what do we do?

Well, first we confess: I have not loved God and I have not loved my neighbor as myself.

Then we forgive.  That is not to say we don't expect our criminal justice system to do its job.  It's that we forgive and let God do God's work. And let's be real, we may have to work on this. Take your time, and find your peace.  Don't embrace your inner spoiled brat.  Civilize that little bugger.

And then we talk.  We sit down and eat together and tell our stories.  And we listen to the stories without defensiveness and fear.  And we tell our stories with embellishment or braggadocio.  And we eat real food that gives us peace and comfort and love.

People do not live by bread alone.  We need the community to feed us.

Where have you been?

Since I wrote that last post, a whole lot of things have happened.  Who would think?

So, it turned out that I had ulcers.  For real.  Not the "you're giving me ulcers, shut up," kind of thing, but real live ulcers.  And damned if the doctor didn't cure me.  Nexium is my friend.  So I started taking Nexium and quit taking my daily overdose of Advil & Alka Seltzer, and my ulcers are healed.  Which is good, except that I have gained a little weight back.  Bummer.

But, the real bummer came a little later.  It seems that my gall bladder, which was removed in November, didn't cause my unusual blood tests.  After a lot of testing and wondering and panicking, it turns out that I have an auto-immune disease called Primary Biliary Cirrhosis.  Serious bummer.  I will know more later after a biopsy, but right now, it looks like I've got a while to be my old whiny self until I really get sick.

Now, what does this have to do with food? 

Since PBC is an inflamation of the bile ducts, and since some people think inflamation is a problem with lots of diseases, I've decided to try an anti-inflamatory diet.  Sort of.  Those things are brutal.

First:  lots of fruits and vegetables.  That's not a problem, since I love fruits and vegetables.  Some people (I hear) are sensitive to plants in the nightshade family, like tomatoes, eggplants, and potatoes, but I don't think I am.  At least, I'm going to act like I'm not and continue to eat those veggies. 

Second:  not so much meat.  A little chicken, some fish, a little dairy.  Now, this is where I diverge.  I love dairy.  I eat Chobani Greek yogurt every single day.  Maybe twice a day.  And I use the plain yogurt instead of mayonnaise (which I'd like to keep eating as much as possible, but that seems to be on every one's no-no list.)  While I can give up red meat fairly easily, I will not give up cheese, yogurt, and skim milk.  I hope that won't be a problem.

Third: other types of protein are good.  Tofu, beans and rice, quinoa.  OK, I'll be working with that.

Something I read suggested that too much protein might be bad for me right now.  I will talk to my doctor about that.  I think I'll go visit a dietitian.  My insurance won't pay for that, of course.  It's a cheap way to avoid future medical expenses, but no, they won't cover it.  Oh well.

Fourth:  not so much processed food.  That is something I've been working on for awhile.  Unless it's Greek food, the ingredients shouldn't be Greek.  Or Latin.  Or whatever those chemicals are named in.  So, no Twinkies.  This is not a problem.  Snickers... that's another story.

Today, I am eating blueberry yogurt, a rainbow of fruit (strawberries, peach, pineapple, grapes, and blueberries), and a burrito made with guacamole, hamburger (I know, red meat), cheese, spices, and salsa on a whole wheat tortilla.  I am drinking watered-down blueberry/pomegranate juice.  I'll probably eat birthday cake for dinner, but I'm working on that weak link there.

And so I begin my journey into interesting food that is good for me.  I'll try to be interesting as well.

What I can eat

I went to the doctor the other day because of some "issues" that showed up at my annual physical.  He asked if I had lost weight, or if my appetite was different.

"I said, well, yes, I've lost weight.  And my appetite is not as large as it used to be.  But..."

and I stopped.

"This is very important... " I really truly said.

"Unless I am about to die, if this is caused by illness, I do not want you to cure me until I lose another 20 or 30 lbs."

This is the thing:  I don't really feel sick except for some pesky heart burn.  I can't eat a whole lot at a time without becoming uncomfortable, but is that terrible?  I mean, I am 5'4".  I don't need a whole lot of calories.

And not being hungry makes it easier for me to choose better food.  I'm not starving.  I don't have to settle for the saltine crackers in the back of the cabinet.  I can take the time to think about what I want... to eat intuitively and not impulsively.

Since I don't recommend the "get sick and die" diet (I am not dying any more than usual, so don't freak out on me), how does this translate to real life eating?

I think it depends on you and your personality style.  One option is to plan meals in advance and have the food ready to be prepared and eaten.  Although you can't plan for what your body will really need, you do know that a nice mix of colors is good.  If you notice you are liking a lot of orange, plan for extra orange. 

I can't do that, though.  My mind revolts against pre-planning and order.  It's painful, since there is another part of my mind that would like to take a 2012 calendar and spend January 1st writing EVERYTHING that is going to happen all year long.  I'm still working on that... BUT...

My best option is to have a choice of healthy snacks that I really like, not the ones I'm supposed to like.  I am able to go by the grocery store on the way to work and buy fruit and veggies and something for lunch.  If I don't, I have peanut granola bars that will keep me from sucking down the saltines in the back of the cabinet.  And because I get full really fast, I make sure to pick protein & a variety of colors first.  I don't need the fillers as much right now, so I stay on the low end of number of servings of whole grain stuff.

This really sounds great when I write it out.  Isn't that cool?

Intuition or Indulgence?

Have you noticed that diets are about what you can't eat?  I hate to hear people say, "if it tastes good it must be bad for you."  And I feel sad when I see people who spend their entire life on a diet, in a constant battle with themselves, their desires, and their bodies.  Is that a way to live?

As we've said, Eating the Angel Way is about eating intuitively:  good food your body wants and needs.  But if you look up "intuitive eating" on the web, you'll see a lot of arguments against it.  The thought is that if we eat intuitively, we'll eat Snickers sandwiches and butter-cheese balls all day and all night.  Then we'll die.

As I see it, the problem here is semantics.  "Intuitive" does not mean "indulgent" or "urgent."  Eating intuitively doesn't mean eating whatever we feel the urge to eat.  Intuitive is eating what our bodies are really really telling us we want and need.  Intuition is a quiet internal voice. 

Indulgences or urges are most likely loud external voices.  The commercial on TV with piles and piles of pancakes covered in whipped cream and syrup in flavors like pumpkin and eggnog and extra chocolate chocolate pie.  The clock that says NOON which we know means lunch time.  The extra long barbecue buffet bar where we have to eat enough to make it worth the money.  The person who looks like our mother yelling at us, which makes us reach for the Chunky Monkey and pound bag of peanut m&ms.

And so, if I have the urge for a rooty-tooty-fresh-and-fruity pancake platter, I need to listen to my intuition.  I need to shut off the television, shut out the mother-like person yelling at me, turn away from the clock.  I need to ask, what do I really want?

Love?  A hug?  Something festive?  Something sweet?

And when I am getting hungry, I can think about what I want to eat.  I picture myself eating the pumpkin whipped cream pancake and bacon.  I think about the taste (hmmm, not what I'd hoped); I think about how I feel afterward (ooohhh... Alka Seltzer.  And Dawn to rinse the grease...).  I think, a spinach and strawberry salad with raspberry vinaigrette would be really good.  And a carrot cake cupcake with cream cheese icing.   And of course, I might think, yeah, I want the pumpkin whipped cream pancake.

I told you everything that's good isn't bad for you.

Angels in the bottom of the well

Yesterday I ate a not-outrageous amount of dark chocolate from France (which makes it better for you), a Chinese-like frozen lunch with lots of veggies, a bag of Frito's with French onion dip, a whole bunch of Popsicles, a half a blueberry Pop tart (cold) and yogurt.  This is not what you'd call a stellar angel-eating day, but it could be worse.  Really.

Back in the day, I would have eaten the tortilla chips, too.  Also, a pint of ice cream, a pound bag of peanut M&Ms, and a box of Danish Wedding Cookies.

But still, it's not what I'd like to eat.  Not just because it's "bad" food (there is no such thing as BAD FOOD, except maybe that fuzzy green thing in the back of the fridge).  Because right now I feel like a salty, soggy, gassy bag of rice.  And that's not what I want to feel like.

The other day I talked to a woman who said that if she ate one cookie, she'd go on a cookie binge & so she stayed away.  She even said that to her chocolate was like alcohol to an alcoholic.  And I almost said, "There is no bad food."  Fortunately, I had to finish chewing the macadamia nut and white chocolate cookie before I spoke and that gave me time to think a little.  And instead I nodded sympathetically and said, "You know what works for you."

That is what I want to say today.  I know what works for me, sort of.  I listen to Annie & Karen & Dr. Oz & Dr Ornish & even Oprah a little, and they, along with many others, give me insight and advice that is very helpful.  Sort of like a guide book or an Atlas. 

But the most important thing that I get from Annie & Karen is the admonishment to listen to my own body and to listen to the Angels.  Moderation seems to work for me right now, but that doesn't mean it will work for everyone.  It doesn't mean it will always work for me. 

Maybe my friend needs to listen to her Angels and find out why she is addicted.  But that's not for me.  Maybe I need to find out why Frito's and French onion dip seemed to be the answer to my job stress: that is for me. 

And maybe, while I sort through the job stress (still looking for a position as a hermit, FYI), I need to be a little more regimented in my eating.  Maybe I need to set the worry of what to eat aside.  Not a DIET, of course, just a plan that reminds me of the veggies & light protein I tend to forget.  A list of light comfort food so I can get through the day and not have the added stress of what to eat on my mind.  Food I like more than Frito's and French onion dip; food that doesn't make me feel like a soggy bag of rice.  Just a list to shake me out of my yucky food addiction phase.

We'll see, but that's what it sounds like my Angels are saying to me today.  And I really need the advice.

How did it happen?

So, how did I start losing weight without drugs, strict diet plans, or vomiting?


I began eating the angel way.  Very slowly.

http://eatingtheangelway.blogspot.com/p/10-angel-way-guidelines.html


I've been talking about eating the angel way, but because one doesn't lose 30 lbs a month or anything exciting like that, people just sort of smiled and nodded.  And were grateful that I don't tell them what to eat.


But this is what has happened for me.


At first, I added a rainbow or two a day.  I'd think about what I was going to eat, whether it was a pot luck lunch after church or the breakfast bar at Shoney's or dinner at home.  I think about adding different colors, I'm finally OK with not having a rainbow in EVERY meal, but I like to add different things.


At first, I didn't really stop eating stuff.  I ate cheese burgers from Hardees when my boss did a food run.  I still ate fried fish and chips or chicken tenders with fries, or fries with fries. 


And then, I started running out of room for the rainbows and the other stuff.  I started thinking about light proteins (white food) that didn't over power the rainbows.  I discovered Greek yogurt.  THAT was a red letter day.


I'd have to plan meals that my family would eat.  They were OK with adding veggies and fruits, but still wanted hamburger or fried chicken or something.  Then two things happened, and so I'm not sure which had a bigger effect. 


I realized I had to eat for myself, not for others (one of the ETAW rules).  If I like pickled beets and Greek yogurt, I should eat them.  If I don't want fries with that, I shouldn't eat them.  And all meals didn't have to be meat and three (starches) with more meat on the side.  It was time for them to eat like me for a change.  Or not, they know how to cook.


The second thing is that my husband got test results and his cholesterol was awful.  And being the orderly thinking type person he is, he changed his eating habits, right then and there.  He is now addicted to Greek yogurt.  He often throws a fillet of salmon and two veggies on a plate and microwaves it.  He is learning that moderation is OK and doesn't beat himself up if he has a piece of fried chicken at the picnic.  He has learned that one piece tastes as good as 10.  

During the last tax season, instead of burgers and fries or steak egg and cheese biscuits, I ate yogurt, cheese and crackers, veggies and humus, rainbow chili, and all kinds of things.  I have an occasional chili dog but mostly I don't eat fast food.  Wendy's salads or chili and baked potato are about the only thing I'll do now.  I still think baked macaroni and cheese is the best food ever.  Throw in diced peppers, corn, shredded carrots, and purple onions and serve it as the main course, and you're humming with the angels.

The biggest thing is that I eat to feel good.  I eat what I need.  Intuitive eating doesn't mean eat whatever the hell you want, because we have to learn to be intuitive.  (Yeah, counter intuitive, I know.)  Said another way, we have to unlearn not being intuitive.  We have to unlearn that visceral response to a television add with a great big piece of greasy chicken --- no it is not yummy.  As my brother has said, "It makes you feel like you should wash your face in Dawn."  And just because it's good for you doesn't mean it tastes bad.  Why do we keep saying that?

I'll tirade more later... I'm sure you can't wait.

When did that happen?

I have said many times that I don't DIET.  It's a bad word that is chocked full of calories, at least in my case.  I hear the word and gain weight. 


It's not about weight, I say, stepping off the scale.  It's about health.  And mine is OK... really.  All right, I'm tired, my blood pressure is high, I can't walk a mile in any one's shoes, ... did I mention that I'm tired?  But at least I've got my health... sort of.


And so, we ask, how, after the stresses of holidays followed rapidly by tax season followed by trying to catch up on my life after tax season, do I find myself here:  I've lost two & a half clothing sizes in the last year.  Three and half in the last three years.  AND I EAT ALL THE TIME.


OK, the first possibility is that I was not wearing the right size.  In my mind, I am always the same size.  Y'know what I mean?  That is usually FAT.  So I buy the same size clothes until they (almost literally) fall off my body.


This is me in 2007, at the baby shower for my first grandson:

I was either a size 18 or 20.  I have a picture from when Gabe was about 18-months (2009) in which I look more like the Michelin man (as my poor husband said in an unguarded moment, bless his heart).


Last year, I started wearing size 16, which was so cool for me I almost cried in the dressing room.  As anyone who's been there knows, 16 is in the normal ladies department; 18 is in the fat ladies department.  Sixteen is in Coldwater Creek.  Sixteen is sweet!


And this year, I noticed the 16s were a little loose.  OK, I have a flat butt.  It's genetic.  Flat is kind.  It's more like non-existent.  Except, in my case, flat and wide.  But recently, not so wide.


Then one day during tax season, I was wearing my favorite black size 18 jeans.  And they kept sliding down.  Far.  And my cotton granny pants were not meant to peak over the back of my jeans.  Ever.


And so, I drove to Walmart, tried on a pair of size 14 jeans (with a little stretch), and THEY FIT.  I didn't even have to lie down on the floor of the changing room to zip them!  To make it even better, if I buy the Petite size, I wear 12.


I am so excited I think I'll blog about it.  Oh wait, I did.


So now you are thinking, What?  I lost 10 pounds in two weeks.  Gained 20 back the next week, but that's how it works.  Three years, Kathy, you say.  Three years.


And I say, "Yeah!  And I didn't diet.  And although I joined a gym, I didn't go."  (I'm not advocating that --- I really am going to start going next week.  Really.)


So what happened?  Pills?  Surgery?  Bulimia?


NO!!!!   I started Eating the Angel Way!!!! 


I'll go into more excruciating detail tomorrow.... cause it's too good not to share.

I just like to eat

In my perfect world, I can eat anything I want and not gain weight, not feel like washing my face with Dawn, not drag around like a slug all day.  In my perfect world, I sprint from my bed to my shower to my day...


In my real world, I eat broccoli and cottage cheese while drooling over my lunch mate's chili dog.    I drag my sorry butt to the gym and beat my muscles into submission with the help of Dusty the S&M personal trainer.


Well, not me, as anyone who has ever seen me knows, but I do know people who do some or all of those things.  And some of them look mahvelous.  Sad, but mahvelous. 


I'm the lunch mate with the chili dog.  I gain weight when I walk by the Krispie Kreme store.  I sprint to my car and hunt for the closest parking place wherever I go.


Or at least, that's how I USED to be.  Now I eat chili dogs, fried fish, and 1 lb bags of peanut M&Ms very rarely.  I don't really sprint anywhere yet, but I do park further away than I have to.  And I eat at least one rainbow a day.  I've lost three pants sizes in the last year.  I need a new (smaller) bra.  Which is a good thing for me.


And this is what I did not do:

• I did not go to the gym even though I paid a boat load of money to join.
• I did not stop eating greasy, fatty, yummy foods all of a sudden one day.
• I did not start my DIET with a pocket full of will power & a Jillian Michael's DVD.

This is what I did:


I started small. 

Really small.  I have a dozen or so little note books and sticky notes with bits of my "diet journal."  What I ate.  What I wanted to eat.  It's interesting that these written records all seem to be of days that did NOT include the chili dog or fried okra special.  Hmmm...

I ate a rainbow a day.

When I started, I started by adding the rainbow without really taking away the chili dogs.  So I'd put a rainbow salsa on my chili dog.  I ate Greek yogurt with a rainbow of dried fruit, honey and oatmeal for breakfast.  When I went to a party or a pot luck or a restaurant, I'd think rainbow.  I still had a lot of "brown" food, but I was filling up with the rainbow.  As time went on, the rainbow and white light food took a larger share of my menu.  I was able to convert my family from white rice and pasta to whole grains.   My family was a little put off by some of my attempts to add color, although in the end, the blue potatoes are very popular.  And it's not that hard to chop peppers, onions, tomatoes, and corn and add them to salad, stew, chili, whatever.

I ate a white light protein at every meal.

Mostly.  I'm addicted to Greek yogurt now, and add it to just about everything.  We eat a lot of fish.  I will eat chicken if I can find organic chicken.  And we still eat beef and pork, but it is no longer assumed that that will be dinner.  My husband and I try to take lunch to work which saves money and gives us more control.  When we eat out, we think about what we want.  It has been a lot easier to do this since Bob decided he needed to eat better...

Which leads us to another guideline: men are like raindrops & women are like snowflakes.

Bob has no problem dropping the bread and butter, and seems to be able to follow the doctor's vague guidelines and lose weight without trouble.  I have thin friends who eat white bread and mayonnaise sandwiches.  I followed the South Beach diet and gained 20 lbs.  There are just too many variables, and so I had to learn not to look at others and what they eat, but think of what I need.

Moving on, I have learned to eat brown foods with awareness.

I still eat pasta, but not nearly as much and usually whole wheat.  I've eaten whole grain bread since I was a kid, but now I aim for artisan bread.  Go for the good stuff, if I'm going to eat it.  Like blue potatoes and yellow tomatoes, my family has been bewildered by quinoa and other interesting grains, but they are troopers.  And Joseph has a car and his own money.

Everyone needs a little sweetness and a little cushion.

When I was pregnant with Mark, I got a mild case of gestational diabetes.  I didn't need to test my blood, but I saw a nutritionist who helped me plan my meals so the baby and I would both make it through the pregnancy in good health.  One thing that she told me was that I could eat two pieces of fruit a day, but not first thing in the morning and always with protein.  I relished those two pieces of fruit as if they were hot fudge sundaes.  And now, although there are times when only a Snickers bar will do, I often get the sweet from fruits in yogurt or alone.  And I know that the Snickers bar is ok too. 

I learned to eat like a baby.

No, I don't eat mashed peas or spit my food at anyone.  I have finger painted with food, but that was a little different.  I eat when I'm hungry and not when the clock says to eat.  I quit when I'm full.  I resigned from the clean plate club, but I do try to only put a little on the plate at a time so I don't freak out my inner puritan by wasting food.

I try to eat as organically and locally as possible.

With so many things available year round, this is sometimes hard.  Then I channel my mother and remember that out of season fruits and veggies don't taste as good and they are expensive.  I do use frozen food and canned food with less salt.  Living in SC, there are fresh fruits and veggies all year round, so we use those.  This is a transitional thing for me.  We're still working on it.

I've kept a diary, but I lie in it.  And I'm very gentle with myself. 

This is for the long haul.

What you eat is up to you.

This is the second guideline, but I left it for last because this has been the most recent understanding for me.  I have eaten food I didn't like and that wasn't good for me because it was served.  I have prepared or not prepared food because of the likes and dislikes of my husband and children rather than my own.  I have eaten cheeseburgers because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  I have had "one more piece of pie" because I was told it would only go to waste.

And then (last month, I think) someone said, "you get to choose what you eat."  And finally I heard it.  And now I pass on the office donuts and say no thank you to the sausage biscuit I didn't ask for.  I eat super salads and ignore the comments about how little I'm eating (really.  Look at me.  Am I starving?)  I eat Snickers bars, too, when I want to.  I eat what I want to eat and I don't apologize.  Much.  And I think this is what has helped me break through my emotional eating/ personality eating/ whatever eating.  And now I eat because it is yummy (even if it doesn't make me wash my face with Dawn) and it is what my body needs right now.

http://eatingtheangelway.blogspot.com/

Eating... the Angel Way: Prizes! There will be prizes!

Eating... the Angel Way: Prizes! There will be prizes!

Prizes are good, of course, but not as good as the intrinsic value of eating the angel way. At least that's what I tell my children.

Eating the Angel Way Guidelines

http://eatingtheangelway.blogspot.com/p/10-angel-way-guidelines.html

Annie and Karen have listed the 10 etaw guidelines in a very convenient, clear list that you can print out for your refrigerator or wallet. 

Today I am going to think about these things & it is to be hoped that my day won't suck as bad as they have been.  I hope your day doesn't suck either.

Eating the Angel Way in times of stress

Let's be real.  When I am tired, when I have a pile of papers on my desk that all insist on immediate attention, when I have to talk to human beings more than once or twice a day, I am stressed.  And when I am stressed and hungry, I don't think broiled fish with spinach & horseradish with brown rice.  I think chili cheese dog.  And then I feel yucky and stressed.


And we call that Tax Season.


As Annie, Karen, and other brilliant people have said, when you are stressed, you need a layer of comfort, and you need a little sweetness.  But remember that a layer of comfort is not necessarily a pound of mashed potatoes and a little sweetness is not necessarily a pint of ice cream.  And never mix them --- I learned that the hard way.


One thing I've gotten from Eating the Angel Way on a fairly regular basis is a new perspective.  It's shifted my paradigm!  (I haven't used that word this year, so I just threw it in.)  Now, when I'm stressed and need a layer of comfort and sweetness, I often DO think of Greek yogurt with blueberries.  And I savor it like those chicks on the TV ads who get paid to eat yogurt and look like they are having an orgasm.  And I feel satisfied and NOT YUCKY.  I get the layer of comfort without the layer of grease.  What can I say?


I do keep Hershey's kisses in the office too.  Sometimes I want a little milk chocolate, and since I've quit saying no to my ornery self, I've been able to eat one or two pieces rather than a whole bag.  And believe it or not, there are days I don't eat any at all.


I feel better grounded in Eating the Angel Way right now, and I'm hoping that grounding will help me pick the right comfort and the right sweetness for me.  And if that is occasionally a bowl of mashed potatoes topped with ice cream, then so be it.  But only occasionally.

In search of Fortified Oat Flakes

I bought a box of Kashi Heart to Heart with oat clusters and blueberries, even though I've never really liked Kashi.  It's not that I'm doing a "I SHOULD eat this" thing.  It's that I'm looking for cereal that tastes like Fortified Oat Flakes.

Many years ago, when I was about 12, I ate Fortified Oat Flakes every morning for a couple of years.  I don't know why Mom bought it, maybe she was having a "I should eat this" thing.  I think I was the only one who ate it... in the whole world.  I loved it. 

It was sort of nutty and chewy, although it was only flakes.  No clusters, no dried fruit.  If you left it in the milk, it would get nice and soggy.  Just to prove it wasn't for babies, if you saved up box tops and mailed it in, you didn't get toys.  I got a silver plated (looking?) pie cutter/server for my mom.  Someone still has it.  You'd never guess it came from box tops.

Then it just disappeared.  This was before oat meal became a magic food, and I don't remember anyone talking about cholesterol.  I suppose they might have, but I was 12.  All I knew is that, like the Monkees, the Monster Squad, and all my favorite TV shows that got canceled, my cereal was popular only with me. 

So now I am searching for the cereal.  You'd think that now that oat is a magic bullet someone would pull out the old recipe.  Without the clusters or dried fruit.  I'll add my own.

The Kashi is pretty good, by the way, but it doesn't get soggy.  SIGH.

Winter Rainbows

I got really excited in the produce department the other day.  Even though it's fall almost winter and it's actually been chilly, the produce department was a bright kaleidoscope of interesting fruits and vegetables.

I like the idea of winter vegetables more than the reality.  I don't know what to do with some of these things.  But they are pretty.  And so last week, I decided to roast a bunch of pretty colored winter vegetables.

I got rutabaga (like, what's that about?), pumpkin (not in a can and not for decoration), acorn squash, and potatoes.  But not just any potatoes.  Purple, yellow, and red potatoes.  OK, it's the purple ones that were really cool.  I cut everything up into large chunks (not nearly as easy as cutting, say, broccoli), drizzled olive oil over the whole thing and baked it.  I wasn't sure what to do to spice it up.  I used cinnamon on the winter squashes and Italian seasoning on the potatoes and rutabagas.  Everyone like it, pretty much.  Although everyone agreed that as usual, I went over board. 

Note to self:  you don't have to eat a rainbow at every meal, just throughout the day.

Supper conversation goes like this:

Bob:  Kathy, I appear to be eating a purple potato.

Me:  Um, yeah.  Do you like it?

Bob:  It's a potato.

OK.  That went well.  I can't wait to try the purple cauliflower.

Starting Slowly

Yesterday, I was in a super-di-duperdy crappy mood.  Given that, I think I did ok.  At least I kept track of what I ate (start small, rule 1). 

I started drinking coffee around 8 and kept going until about noon.  Black, strong enough to fix itself.

10 am  blueberry Greek yogurt.  Yummy.  It's so smooth it feels like ice cream.  My grandson Gabe has decided he loves Greek yogurt too.  I may be selfish, but I share that.

Around 12 I had brown rice/quinoa mix, pico de gallo (tomatoes, yellow onions, green peppers, cilantro, lime juice), shredded carrots, canned corn without added salt, tilapia with garlic and butter, cranberries. I bought all that stuff at the grocery store on the way to work and put it together.  As I walk through the produce section I think about what I want.  The cranberries were a neat touch.

2 pm I ate a piece of butterscotch candy.

I drank diet Coke all afternoon... well one bottle.

5pm at home.  I ate two chocolate chip cookies. 

6:30: spaghetti sauce (made with red, yellow, orange & green peppers) on white wheat bread with cheddar.  I don't really like white bread, even the "whole grain" kind, but that's what was there.

And then I ate about an inch out of a pint of Karamel Sutra.  At least I didn't eat the whole thing, and I do think that what I did eat made me feel better.  Some.

TODAY:

coffee
10: Peach Greek yogurt
diet Coke
2pm: Wendys small cheese burger, four fries, small chili.  My boss bought lunch.  It was pretty good and not too much.  A couple of fries go a long way.  I waited too long to eat and I was too hungry.
5pm: two chocolate chip cookies.  I'm still burping chili. 

I'm going to my counselor at 6, and I may eat yogurt or soup after I get back.

I don't think I've left anything off. 

I tried the meditation this afternoon.  (It's on Eating the Angel Way.)  I thought about being a baby and eating whatever was given me, not worrying about food choices.  I don't think I went very far, but I started to sort of panic.  I think I have food issues.  (Ya think?)  I'll try again later.

Eating... the Angel Way: Welcome!

Eating... the Angel Way: Welcome!

Annie and Karen are writing a book about Eating... the Angel Way, and I have agreed to follow the guidelines and share my experiences.

Let me start by saying that I have been following the guidelines for several months now... in theory. Just like I'm thinking seriously about going to the gym I paid a boatload of money to join last July. And so, this is, for me, a restart sort of. I'm starting at the beginning... again. Isn't that cool?

Today, tomorrow, and the next day, I will keep track of my eating. I will probably follow the guidelines even though it's not part of the first step because I usually do when I actually write stuff down.

I'll say this is going to be interesting because I'm in a really really really crappy place right now and all I want to do is crawl in bed with a pint of Chunky Monkey and a large bag of peanut m&ms. I'm not going to do that because there are so damn many people in my house I'd probably have to share, so what's the point?

But Eating... the Angel Way is not something we can only do when we feel really perky. Right now, for me to acknowledge that I want the Chunky Monkey and peanut m&ms is a pretty good step, I think. I suppose I ought to think about what it is I really want. What food will make me feel really good. What things other than food can help me deal with my very very crappy mood. Maybe I should right a children's book: "Mommy is in a crappy mood and I better not eat her peanut M&Ms." I think that might help.

We'll see.

Hey look, I'm still alive!

And still fat.  Oh well.  I'm eating better and betterer every day.  Except today, when I ate a half of a steak, egg, and cheese biscuit while reading about my arteries clogging.  That's why I only ate a half.  Ick.

Fall is here, sort of, and that means the summer fruits and veggies are more expensive and shipped from Chile.  Which is OK, I guess.  I have nothing against canned or frozen food, although I have to check the salt in canned stuff.  I love frozen berries.  Throw 'em in a blender with yogurt and honey and you have a smoothie in a minute.  Who knows the difference?

But fall does have it's own food, and I'm looking forward to that.

Fall is about orange and yellow and brown, have you noticed?  I love winter squash, but I haven't done much with it because my family isn't a big fan base.  Oh well.  I think I'll try use more winter squash and see if I can convince them they like it.

There is a yard full of collards behind my office.  I've been invited to go pick some, but I'm not sure how to pick it.  I guess you sort of cut the bunch.  I hate to say it, but I'll probably buy my greens at the store.  They are cheap and I'm wearing high heels and hose.

I have actually lost a little weight this summer... about 10 lbs.  We joined a gym in August.  We actually went to it for a few weeks.  I know, I know.  We have to actually use it or the only weight we lose is in the wallet.  I'm thinking maybe Friday.  Or Monday.  Definitely Monday.

Peace to all.  Drink lots of water and wear warm socks.

Travel through food

Today, I ate my first peach of the season.  It wasn't quite ready to make me have an orgasm as I ate it over the sink, but it was pretty good.  Now I am eating Greek yogurt with honey, nuts, and a rainbow of fresh fruit.  I am pretending that I am in Marrakesh.

Unfortunately, I am not in Marrakesh, I am in my office and it's time to do some tax returns for people who procrastinate.  And that's OK, because I still have my yogurt, honey, nuts and fruit.

Day two

Yesterday I was marvelous.  I had two rainbows and not a lot of other crap to cloud it up.  Lots of lean protein.  I walked for half an hour with my husband... up hill all the way!!!  (It just seemed that way.  I'm in really bad shape.)

Today, I'm OK.  I had fish, squash casserole, beets, and cabbage at Lizard's Thicket, which is as good as it gets there.  I would have done better with the baked chicken, but I HATE baked chicken.  I think I'll go with a very veggie salad tonight.  I have a meeting, so I'll be eating later than I like.

The weather is beautiful... windy and warm.  Not so hot & humid you can see fish in the air.  There is no excuse not to walk around, even if it is all up hill.

Two days in a row!  Woo-hoo!

No really, this time I mean it...

Dear Diary:


This time I really am going to walk and lift weights and do yoga and eat nothing but delicious healthy food and loose 20 lbs before school is out...


Yeah right

Today read Kim's post about weight.  I know she eats well, and much more healthily (is that the word?) than I do.  I know she is more active.   As she says, most people think she is a ball of energy.   And yet, she thinks she needs to do something.... different.

Her post sort of solidified something I've been thinking about me.  I talk a good game, but when it comes to actually eating well... not so much.

It's not that I don't eat vegetables and fruits, low fat dairy and high-fiber foods.  I do.  I don't eat a lot at one time.  I almost always need a to-Joe* box. 

It's just that every once in awhile (every other day or so... OK?) I eat something not so good:  fried fish, a HUGE bowl of Breyers Ice Cream, a bag of crunchy Cheetos. 

And when you consider that I'm 5'4" and as active as a pet rock, I really don't need many calories AT ALL.

As far as activity goes, I don't.  I used to walk to USC (South Carolina) and back every weekday, about 2 miles plus all of the walking around a huge campus.  I used to walk to and stumble from the bars in 5-pts, easily working off the beer I drank.  Yesterday I opted out of walking less than a mile to a picnic where Bob was singing.  He would have given me a ride home, too.  It's not even hot yet... only in the high 80s.  And then I wonder why I'm fat.

AND HERE WE HAVE IT: the plan.

Dear Diary:

Starting today tomorrow next Monday today (which is Saturday), I am going to pack really good food into my measly 1800 calorie requirement.  I 'm going to walk, dance, garden, DO SOMETHING fun and active EVERY DAMN DAY even if it kills me.

But, of course, that isn't really a plan, it is a goal, and that has been my problem. 

I have given lip service to Eating the Angel Way, but in fact, I haven't made any real effort to change my bad habits. 

OK, Kath, here's the deal.  Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's easy.  Intuition takes hard work, especially in the beginning. 

I need to figure out what works for me.  Since I'm INTP, I tend to think too much, but maybe I can make that work.  Recognize that I need a chart, a graph, a visual organizer.

That's cool, but don't spend so much time thinking and making pretty charts that you forget to eat and walk, K?

OK.  I'll let you know what I figure out.

Embracing Health for Lent

Sunday Father Paul's sermon was a primer on Lent.  He suggested that Lent was a time of permission, an opportunity to do something different, to see things in a new way, to do or not do something the same.  He said it was a time to change things, make a sacrifice or do something better, in order to get closer to God. 

(On a side note, I'd like to commend Father Paul for preaching this entire sermon without using the word "paradigm.")

This morning, I realized that what I will do is embrace health.

I've had a headache and vague nausea for several days.  Although I did leave early and take a small nap, I have worked long hours and done afterwork appointments.  All the while telling everyone how miserable I am.  Just so you'd know, y'know?

I have known for a very long time that I can make myself sick without too much trouble.  If I worry about something, I can become violently ill in order to avoid it.  If I am tired and stressed, I can get a full-blown migraine which gives me permission to lie down.  I don't (usually) sit down and try to make myself sick, it just happens.  If I say I can't do something because I'm sick, I'll be sick.

Now, I'm going to see if I can make myself well.  The mind thing is all well and good, but I can't just think positive and feel great.  (I can to some extent, I know.)  Mostly, I am working long hours, I can't do things that I want to do, I have to do things I don't want to do, I have to be with human beings 12 or more hours a day.  I am stressed.  It's not going to change (because I choose to remain a tax accountant, mother, active church member, school supporter, etc.) for a couple of months.  What can change are some actions on my part:

1. I'm going to quit saying, "I have a headache" everytime something comes up that frustrates me.
2. I'm going to eat good food and not rely on the yummy delicious greasy but still yummy fast food fix.
3. I'm going to take time to myself and actually walk rather than just talk about it.  (Where did I put the walking shoes?)
4. I'm going to smile a calm serene smile all damn day long.  And when I see someone, I'll brighten it.  Even if I feel crappy, I can make someone else feel better.
5. I'm going to take my medicine every day.  No more courting a stroke or heart attack.  Embrace health.
6. I'm going to spend time just sitting and talking or playing games with my kids.  Because I want to and not because Parker Brothers says we have to have a family game night.
7. I'm going to take time for myself to do whatever the hell I want, whether it's productive or stupid; meaningful or meaningless.

And in this way, I'm going to take care of myself and my world, so that I can clear the clutter and be closer to god.

God willing.